This Side of Unforgiveness

It has been a little while since I was here but it has been an important time of reflection.  God created such wonderous gifts and abilities inside each of us.  He has such awesome plans for each life as conception takes place.  Think even of that word -"conception".  We think of it as the time when the sperm and the egg meet.  But let's look a little closer.  Perhaps, it really is the moment when the "concept" of who God designed for you to be greets the life giving energy He created within the design of procreation to release the beauty of you into this world.  All the joy He must have as He places within each one gifts that He laid aside just for you.  The smile on His face as he places gifts of love, song, music, movement, artistry, compassion, intelligence, and so on and so on.  He loves us each so dearly and as we come into the womb, He desires a full life, an abundant life for each one even though He knows there are always going to be bumps, bruises and sometimes damaging obstacles along the way.  But the Creator is always near and though through those times we can not see Him, Jesus is forever there to encourage us to keep on, dont give up, survive, rise above and persevere.

For the last couple of weeks, I was instructed by my mentors to write a list of everyone and everything that I needed to forgive.  Now as a Pastor and a Counselor I have to say - ummm - really???  I gotta do what?  I have already done these things.  But wise mentors always call you on your "crap" you know what I mean.  So I reluctantly obeyed and began a list.  I thought well I know I have some anger here and some hurt there, but the list will be short.  I have already done this kind of thing before and moved on.  Little did I know that I had taken up residence on the wrong side of unforgiveness and my soul and my spirit were suffering because of it.

As I prayed and began working on the list, I began to see some roots of despair and hurt that were still very much alive and well in me. They are as twisted vining roots wrapped all around my heart, my vital organs and were keeping me in grave clothes unable to really be free.  My unwillingness to look at them gave them life and power to hold me down.  3John 1:2 says that we prosper as our souls prosper.  If our souls are broken and smothered and dying so then is our life, our health and our spirits.  It is the healing of the soul that brings the freedom in Christ.

I found I had dealt with some stuff with my father and all of that, but I did not realize the pain I felt and the hurt from my dysfunctional relationship with my mother.  Pain, hurt and floods of memories and emotions came to the surface and the lies of shame and unworthiness washed up with them.  This side of unforgiveness is painful.  Living on this side of unforgiveness is not what God wants for anyone.  It is indeed a journey and it will continue, but I am giving notice today - I am packing up and moving.  This side of unforgiveness is not where I (or anyone else) belong.  The lion-hearted girl will roar again in a way she has never known before.